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The Dastardly Book for Dogs
Chris Pauls
Scott Sherman
Joe Garden
Emily Flake
Janet Ginsburg
Anita Serwacki
It’s time to jump out of the handbag and take control of the lead.From the same kennel as The Dangerous Book for Boys, this hilarious doggy equivalent barks one simple question: What's happened to us?! Designer dog beds? Organic gluten free gourmet doggie biscuits? Spa treatments? Everyone likes to be pampered now and then – but isn't there more to being a dog than wearing a mini cashmere sweater and riding around in a Louis Vuitton handbag?What about the simple pleasures of life – feeling the wind in your fur, digging up the grass beneath your paws, smelling another dog's bottom? Isn't that part of the great joy of being a dog?This book is for good dogs, bad dogs, and the millions of people who love them, either way, but owners will no doubt recognize their own lovable pets, and maybe themselves, in these pages. After all, so many people talk to their dogs, they might as well read to them, and learn a little something in the process.Chapters include: Foul Smells Every Dog Should Roll In, What's Edible?, How to Bury a Bone, Building a Bed out of Laundry, Escaping the Lead, Dogs in Literature, Courageous Dogs in History, Formal Rules of Fetch, Enhancing Your Walk and Amazing Bath Time Escapes.The Dangerous Book for Boys tapped into a male desire to recapture a back-to-basics sense of fun. Now, a boy's sense of fun is perfectly fine, but a dog's sense of fun is hilarious. Leg-humping, bottom-sniffing and tail-chasing – these are not just the bedrock of dog life; they are the bedrock of comedy.
Dedication (#ulink_8455b0ff-7cbc-5685-a198-b8e0cb5cdcd8)
For Marley
PREFACE (#ulink_6c867240-b3e3-54e5-b572-ee1626c86629)
I Didn’t Have This Book When I Was a Puppy (#u3b9109d0-0b04-52ae-83b5-95705ed42d0d)
There was a time not long ago when dogs were necessities, not accessories. We corralled wayward sheep in the heartland. We brought warming brandy to climbers in the hinterland. We were a valued asset to every fireman, a faithful sentinel for every rag-and-bone man and a slavishly loyal friend to everyman. We roamed freely because we had earned our keep, and our aggressions and wanderlust were celebrated, not curbed. It was a time when we ran on the ground instead of being toted about in frilly pink satchels, a time when we were simply hosed down in the garden instead of ferried to the groomer. It was a time B.D. – Before Domestication, when we could be what we are. Dogs.
In an age of pampering and pet steps, we seem to have lost touch with the greatest joys of canine existence – instinctive joys that the stoic Great Dane, the scampering Chihuahua and the barky old pound mutt alike could share: finding the nastiest odours to roll in, savoring the subtle earthy flavours of a Jimmy Choo slingback – and, of course, mounting bitches.
In these pages you will read great tales of canine bravery and bravado, such as the journey of the first dog to set foot on North America. You will know the glory achieved by courageous dogs of war. You will be awed by the landmark silver screen performances of Cujo, Old Yeller and the ferocious Beagle Pack in Omen III: The Final Conflict. You will know what it means to be a Dog.
What is the greatest scratching position in the world? How do you escape a humiliating attack of �dressing up’? Can you ever catch your own tail? The answers are inside this book. We provide them not just as an instructional guide, but as a way to put you back in touch with your thrill-seeking, mischievous roots. Here we are reminded of the old canine proverb: �Owwwwwwwwww, ow, ow, owwwwwww!’ – a sentiment as true today as it was in the day of our wild ancestors.
We wish we had a book like this when we were puppies. All too often we dogs are content to sleep seventeen hours a day, with a biscuit break here and there, unaware of all the wondrous fun we could be having treeing a squirrel, lapping up the wind from a car window or constructing a custom bed out of our owner’s clean laundry.
When you reach a certain age, things become routine. The doorbell doesn’t excite you as much as it once did, the bottoms at the park all smell the same, and your dreams of herding sheep on the open range have faded away.
But today’s dog should never forget there’s a whole wide world of adventure out there. We hope that this book doesn’t merely remind you of your puppyhood, but truly rekindles it. Owwwwwwwwww, ow, ow, owwwwwww, indeed.
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